How to do nothing

On a random spring afternoon a lot like any other random spring afternoon, Mr. Cxhxn started our class period with a strange proposition: could anyone go up to the front of the class and “do nothing”? (Ironic, considering we did nothing in our drama classes regularly.)

He did not explain much beyond this. Apparently, he just wanted to know if we knew how to convincingly do “nothing” onstage, should a script call for it. Tiffany volunteered to try.

She went up to the front and stood there, keeping still, arms at her sides, looking around, not saying anything or focusing on anything in particular.

After a minute, Cxhxn shouted, “WRONG! You're grabbing your wrist, you're looking around, you're shifting your weight. You're not doing nothing.”

The all-of-three students still paying attention were somewhat surprised. True, Tiffany was doing those things, but for all intents and purposes, she was still doing nothing. Cxhxn's critiques seemed arbitrary. Even doing nothing involved some kind of behavior.

Cxhxn instructed her to take a seat, then he walked up to the front and took her place. He said he was going to show us how to really “do nothing” onstage.

And this is what he did: standing perfectly straight with his arms bolted down by his sides, he leaned forward as if he was skiing. He stared straight ahead, unblinking, his mouth tightly shut. He held that pose like a statue, unwavering, for a full minute.

Then he relaxed. “That's how you do nothing,” he said. There was no further comment or analysis, and the lesson was effectively over.

Of course, we were perplexed, because not only was he doing a lot more than Tiffany had done, but his very deliberate and concentrated pose seemed awkward and unnatural. He also didn't explain what had prompted him to bring this up in the first place or why it took priority over any other drama lesson we could've covered.

Naturally, the exercise was never mentioned again.  ❒

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